The quotes of the year took a serious hit this season when the patron saint of the soundbite, Steve Spurrier, retired. But fear not, the Head Ball Coach, who made a career out of his one-liners, had plenty of company this year. From Art Briles to Dabo Swinney to (hold your Coke bottles and tin horns) Nick Saban, it was another great year for quotable coaches.
Well, they won't forget about it now
"People forget about Georgia Southern. They went through us like s--- through a tin horn." -- Alabama coach Nick Saban
The bottle is not giving out any injury information, either
"You can ask the bottle, but don't ask me." -- Saban, growing tired of Kirby Smart-to-Georgia questions
"Deep down, I'm fat, and I don't like running very far." -- Utah punter Tom Hackett
He's not wrong, you know
"But the times that I had that were a trial, they weren't really trials like crucifixion, like Jesus' trials or something like that, or Tupac, or something like that," -- BYU WR Devon Blackmon to The Salt Lake Tribune on adjusting to life in Provo, Utah.
What is it with Art Briles and fighting analogies?
"That's nothing. That was a fight in a mall. I've been in an alley." -- Baylor coach Art Briles after his team got into it with Texas. Last year, Briles opined on why he'd prefer to fight a man with three kids and a house over a man living out of his car.
Art, seriously, you're scaring me
"He's a bad dude, man. He'll pull your heart out and watch it stop beating. He is a bad hombre." -- Briles on Baylor WR Corey Coleman
This is also a little weird, Gary
"It's like your girlfriend going on a blind date with somebody else. You never know what's going to happen." -- TCU coach Gary Patterson on what it's like when QB Trevone Boykin takes off running.
Maybe Gary was on to something
"He made one of the best plays I'd seen in awhile. He was right there, so I didn't know what the hell else to do. I could've started yelling at our guys, but what good is that going to do?" -- West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen, explaining why he gave Boykin a high-five.
This man has life figured out
"I'm going to go home and watch somebody else sweat it out. And eat some chicken. All dark meat. Thighs." -- Oklahoma State defensive coordinator Glenn Spencer, on how he was going to celebrate the TCU win.
Dabo's coming to town
"We're the rednecks who moved into the nice neighborhood, but we belong." -- Clemson coach Dabo Swinney
Jim Harbaugh on ...
A shout out from @JudgeJudy would make anyone's day, thank you! The BEST! & Excellence are easy to spot, Judge Judy is it's highest level.— Coach Harbaugh (@CoachJim4UM) March 5, 2015
"If worms had machine guns, birds would be scared of them."
A balanced diet
"I truly believe the No. 1 natural steroid is sleep and the No. 2 natural steroid is milk, whole milk. Three would be water. Four would be steak. ... I take a vitamin every day. It's called a steak."
"I've been trying to advise them to get two costumes to be go-getters. Hit the neighborhood in one costume -- better to jog or run from house to house then you can get more candy than anybody else -- then come home and make a quick change into a second costume and hit those same houses again."
Surprised Les didn't already know
"I know now what it's like to ride an elephant." -- LSU coach Les Miles after getting carried off the field against Texas A&M
You come at the Kingsbury, you best not miss
"[Bret Bielema] stood up and said if you don't throw to the fullback, we'll kick your ass, and if you throw it 70 times a game, we'll kick your ass. [Bielema] just got his ass kicked twice in a row and probably next week by [Texas] A&M as well. He's a prideful guy, and he says what's on his mind, but it just hasn't worked out for him." -- Texas Tech coach Kliff Kingsbury, referring to comments Bielema allegedly made during a summer convention in front of Texas high school coaches.
But you knew the man who called a win against Texas 'borderline erotic' would respond
"I'm happy he got to vent and hopefully he feels a lot better. As a coach who has been in it for 10 years, I know better than to worry about somebody that's been around for a couple and they're .500. So we'll just go forward ... It's a perfect storm. I realize we haven't won in two weeks and it's an opportunity to jump on and have some fun with it. If that was an ass-kicking, I'd love to see what last year was. (A 49-28 Arkansas win.) Obviously, it's all, 'What you've done for me lately?'" -- Arkansas coach Bret Bielema
We want a tough, no-excuses football team ... unless it's sunny
"We played a gazillion plays and it was 1,000 degrees and we're standing there facing the sun for some reason. Of course we were hot. I turned around one time and put my back to the sun and said, 'This is a 10-degree difference with the sun at my back opposed to my face.' Hell yeah, they were fatigued." -- UCLA coach Jim Mora Jr.
Honestly, wouldn't put this past Mike Leach
"From watching the video, it looks like Coach Leach went to the underworld and recruited a bunch of lycans to run up and down the field," -- Portland State coach Bruce Barnum
This is mostly an excuse to run a picture of Charlie's hat
"They didn't want to see me get fired so they stepped up and played for me." -- Texas coach Charlie Strong after beating Oklahoma 24-17.
Maryland on October 8
"Randy Edsall is our head football coach and he'll be on the sidelines Saturday against Ohio State." -- statement from Maryland
Maryland on October 11
"We appreciate Randy's tireless commitment to the University of Maryland. This was a difficult decision, but ultimately this is the best course of action for our football program moving forward." -- statement from Maryland
Mark Richt isn't afraid of controversial opinions
"I believe (America's) the greatest country, personally." -- former Georgia coach Mark Richt
The best reasoning we've heard for going on fourth down
"To overcome the disappointment of not making it on third down." -- Washington State coach Mike Leach
Tom Herman explaining love, Houston style
Catch the excitement of the Civil Conflict
"If it helps us win, I'm down for whatever." -- Bob Diaco, UConn coach and apparent light beer pitchman
I think Regina George said it best pic.twitter.com/OTxNCVo9Mg— Knightro (@UCF_Knightro) October 10, 2015
That should fill everyone with confidence
"It's not ideal but for now, I don't think it'll put a dagger in the heart of the program," interim Illinois AD Paul Kowalczyk on Bill Cubit's two-year contract
And for the final word ...
"I'll just be the former Head Ball Coach now." -- former South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier