posted: Aug. 25, 2005  |  Feedback

One crucial note: I bought the new "Stripes" anniversary DVD last weekend and finally had a chance to zoom through the deleted scenes Wednesday night. Did you know there's a two-minute deleted scene with a topless P.J. Soles (one of the underrated babes of the late '70s) trying to seduce Bill Murray's character? Oh, it's on there. Shouldn't they advertise these things on the DVD case? The 25th anniversary edition, 18 minutes of new footage, PJ SOLES NAKED!!!!!!!!! Let's hope this sparks a new DVD trend.

Also, I haven't seen the Moss/Gumbel interview on HBO yet, but my buddy House reports that the absolute highlight is Gumbel's altering his cadence/dialect in an attempt to relate to Moss, which has always been my favorite aspect of the Bryant Gumbel era (when he inexplicably turns into the stewardess from "Airplane" with certain black guests). Since Brian Austin Green used to do the same thing on "90210" with any black co-star, I always wondered what would happen if Gumbel ever interviewed Green. Would they just say "Screw it" and both start talking like that? I wish there was a way to find out.

Anyway, I was going through seven documents filled with mailbag questions from the past 12 months and decided, "Screw it, I'm only keeping the ones that are guaranteed to make the mailbag and dumping everything else." Since some of the leftovers were funny/bizarre/strangely informative, here's a special edition of "Yup, These Are My Readers."

Wouldn't Rafael Palmeiro make the perfect new James Bond? He's got a great look, can lie right to your face even under oath, is deceptively strong thanks to the roids, and can go all night due to the big V. Let's go already!
-- Evan T., New York, NY

In reference to the statement made in your column on 4/23/2004 in about how the "Separate Ways" video was the funniest four minutes of the '80s and maybe any decade, I must take umbrage -- everyone knows that Billy Squier's "Rock Me Tonite" was the funniest 4 minutes MTV or VH1 has ever shown. The sight of Squier bouncing effeminately around while singing some of the cheesiest lyrics ever written has got to top even the immortal "Separate Ways." Look what it did for Squier's career as a "guitar virtuoso" -- even he admits it killed his career -- COMPLETELY -- with no hope of any comeback at all. Journey survived a little longer -- not much, but a little.
-- Trent Boreman, Charlotte, NC

One of the greatest mysteries in movie history: In Rocky III, Rocky and Apollo in Rock's old gym, talking about getting the edge back. Apollo says, "I trained hard, but I didn't have that look in my eye. You had it; you won." Wait, he didn't have that 'eye of the tiger' for Rocky II!! Are you kidding me? Throughout the entire 15 rounds he wanted to annihilate Balboa into next month. If anyone had that look, it was Apollo, so I don't get it. Any explanation? This had troubled me for some time.
-- Sean, Waltham, Mass.

Yesterday my wife asked me if I would have any objection to her ordering a "how-to-have-better-sex" video series. I told her I would only go along with it if the video series met one of two criteria -- either the series must be personally endorsed by Fred McGriff, or the series must have been used by "back-to-back-to-back" national love making champions. I don't think she got the joke. Can you explain it to her? Also, is there something wrong with me that my wife is asking me to take lessons on love making? Should I care more than I do?
-- Greg, Seattle, WA

If Fred Taylor's hamstring physically tears out of his body on a run then picks up the ball and slices and dices its way to the end zone for a TD, do you still get fantasy points?
-- Tim DeGrande, Stoughton, Ma

I am troubled by all of the Tom Brady lust expressed by Sports Gal and many other sports-watching females. As a Mass. native, it's overwhleming and shows a real lack of imagination on the part of his followers. He's like a bastardized version of Matt Damon with half the IQ and a much more grating, high-pitched, prepubescent laugh and Nomar's oversized Brite Smile dentures. To me, he looks like "Preppy Rapist #2" from a Lifetime movie circa 1992 starring both Meredith Baxter and Tori Spelling. I greatly prefer Johnny Damon, the Sexiest Man Alive (especially the clean-shaven, mid-summer 2002 version). Sometimes I forget how many outs there are if I sit in the center field bleachers at Fenway because my eyes are glued on Johnny 95% of the time. Unfortunately, Johnny sometimes forgets how to count outs as well.
-- Liz, Boston, MA

What is the most reprehensible thing you have ever done to win a game of Madden against your nemesis opponent (we all have that guy we can never beat)? For me, it was in 1992 when I started to secretly videotape games, and go back to watch the tapes to try and learn their tendencies.
-- Drew, Chesapeake, VA

Do you think there is there any chance that when Rocky IV is re-released on DVD for some uber-special fill in the blank anniversary addition we will get to see deleted scenes where Rock and the gang are actually setting up for the activities performed during the training montage? For example:

Rocky: "Hey Duke, I'm kinda gettin' tired of this splittin' wood stuff."

Duke: "No problem champ. Today I got you bench-pressing a wheel barrel filled with me, Paulie and Adrian. Then we're gonna bob and weave you past a piece of string."

You think that's how it went down?
-- JS McCredy, Chicago

Did you know that the numbers that are the center of a mystery on Lost (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) are all numbers that have been retired by the New York Yankees? In order, Gehrig, Berra/Dickey, Munson, Whitey Ford, Mattingly and Jackie Robinson.
-- Jeff, Owasso, OK

Growing up, was there ever a group of athletes that you always detested? Mine up through high school was always the lacrosse players. Even though I loved watching the sport, these were the guys that would always walk around school with their lacrosse sticks, as if to say "in case you didn't know, I am a lacrosse player. In fact I am so good that I must carry this stick around with me all day." 95% percent of the time they were always jerks and they tried to run you off the road with their jeeps, which always had at least ten lacrosse bumper stickers on them. What about you?
-- Cassidy, Washington, DC

So, as I am reading your column with many references to past cultural icons, it dawns on me: Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons could someday be an historic cultural icon! Has that realization hit you yet? How do you see your life 10 years after you disappear and have become a "what ever happened to him" kind of person? I'm thinking that I see you on a special sports writer edition of Jeopardy! losing to John Hollinger and Gregg Easterbrook.
-- Toby, Portland, OR

Since there have been so many different seasons of the Real World and Road Rules (with each season usually including at least one gay cast member), how about setting up the next season of the Real World/Road Rules challenge as "Battle of the Sexual Preferences"? Just think of all the possibilities and over the top dramatics! The unintentional comedy scale would be hitting an all-time high … and Veronica can play on both teams (sort of like an all-time QB).
-- Steve Starzynski, Chicago, IL

After reading your Summer Slam diary and your wishes that the ECW "You (bleeped) Up!!!" chant would make its way into other sporting events, I just thought I'd let you know that it has in Madison, WI. Whenever the opposing team gets a penalty at a UW home football game, they are immediately hit with a rousing chorus of the famous ECW chant. How this has never made it onto national television, I'll never know. At least they're doing you proud in the land of beer and brats!
-- Scott Saunders, Libertyville, IL

I really think it's about time O.J. Simpson was back in the spotlight. Couldn't he make a guest spot on HBO's inside the NFL where each week he tries to predict the top performers in next week's matchups? I mean would anybody really be against this? &Well, other than the Goldmans and the Browns of course. I'm going to hell.
-- Jason Kahn, Newton MA My one ESPYs comment: Did LeBron steal that fake laugh from Magic? He almost fell off his chair at Matt Perry's lame baseball announcer bit.
-- Mike Holland, Sparta, NJ

Will there be a day when we look back and say "The pitcher not wearing a helmet was just as stupid as when batter's didn't wear helmets and hockey players went without protection?" I read about the line drive that hit Matt Clement and cringed with each added detail (Left Field!?). I don't think I even want to turn the highlights on tonight. This is not an isolated incident. As a Red Sox fan, you will remember Bryce Florie being struck in the face. Kaz Ishii had his skull fractured at some point in the last couple of seasons. A High School Legion player was killed with a line drive two years ago (and they blamed it on aluminum bats, hmph). Any one of the line drives that hit Florie, Clement and Ishii could have been fatal if it impacted, say, 2 inches away from where it actually did. If our ignorance prevails, the law of averages will leave a major league pitcher dead on the mound one day. I hope the day we say "Boy, that was stupid" comes first.
-- Brian Brill, Philadelphia

Who do you think will be the first person to have an on-air heart attack on WEEI? My bet is on Pete Sheppard, although Glenn Ordway is my dark horse because he always looks like he just ate something huge.
-- John, Laramie, WY

How come Clarice Starling's best friend at the Academy, Ardelia, gets no credit at all for bringing down Buffalo Bill? First, she's smokin' hot and second, she figures out Hannibal's clues about Bill knowing Fredrica Bimmell side by side with Clarice. Does she get a promotion? Nope, she has to endure a cocktail hour with the dorky insect guys. It's just so unfair. Like they couldn't have included a shower scene?
-- Christian Puchkoris, Manchester, CT
When will we see the EA Sports game called "MLB -- Juicin' It," where you build your players by giving them steroids. And you would have to take suspensions and everything for failing "tests" given by the commission. Also, you could play historical teams or players juiced. Ideas?
-- Bryan, Houston

I recently started trying to eat more healthy (I figured Taco Bell 5 times a week isn't the best way to be nice to my body). This has lead to an increase in actually looking at nutrition labels on the food I eat. And here's my question: Why does corn have calories? It is in the same state going out as coming in. That's idiotic. It seems to me that it should have negative calories because the body uses more energy to push the stuff through than it gets out of "digesting" it.
-- Chris, Urbandale, IA

My brother-in-law developed a movie theory that I think you'll be into. We call it "Rockwell Theory", named after actor Sam Rockwell. Aside from liking the name, it was during the movie "Matchstick Men" that the idea was conceived. The theory is this: Generally speaking, when a B-list movie star appears in a movie in a "supposed" minor role, you can bank on them being involved in the "big twist" at the end of the film, thus eliminating the element of surprise. Of course, not every movie has a twist at the end, but the theory is so accurate that it has taken away the excitement from movies such as Batman Begins (Liam Neeson), Collateral (Jada Pinkett Smith), The Village (Adrien Brody), and of course, Matchstick Men (Sam Rockwell).
-- Scott Koenig, San Diego, CA

(Note from Simmons: My personal favorite here was Michael Rooker's performance in "Sea of Love." He was an up-and-comer back then, and he was casually thrown into like one scene in the first hour of the movie, even though he was billed like fourth in the credits. I mean, you just knew he was the killer. There was no doubt.)

Does Joe Morgan's wardrobe make you want to watch 'Boogie Nights'? --Steve, Washington DC You can't just casually drop a bombshell like "Johnny Damon has the most famous hair in the history of baseball" at the end of (yet another) Bosox blurb in the Cowbell without some analysis or backup. Now I'm not saying he doesn't, but I'm guessing the Oscar Gamble 'fro, the Sammy Sosa flat-top, the Randy Johnson mullet and the Mike Piazza frosted tips would each like a chance to state their case.
-- Scott, New York (via Detroit)

How has Ian Ziering never been cast on "The Surreal Life"? It's like they made a documentary about white point guards in the NBA and failed to interview Steve Nash. It's inexcusable. I think for the next series they should bring back Flavor Flav, only this time team him up with Darryl Strawberry, Robert Downey Jr., Courtney Love and Tatum O'Neal. Finally we will see what happens when people stop being polite and start freebasing. I know you've thought about this too, Bill.
-- Saverio, Clifton Park, NY

Doug Christie was released by the Magic yesterday. Do you think that when he tells his wife that he got released it will play out like the scene in "Any Given Sunday" when Dennis Quaid gets slapped by Lauren Holly?

Doug: "Everybody's been telling me what to do, ever since college, this is not your decision."

Mrs. Christie (slaps Doug): "I will not listen to this [expletive] from you, I will not."

Doug: (points in the air to say hi to his wife)
-- Jeff, Manalapan, NJ

Why doesn't Roger Clemens' name come up in the "Guess who's on steroids" game? He's 43 years old. Up to 235 pounds (a good 50 more than when he broke into the league). And after averaging a 4.0 ERA from 1999-2003, he suddenly becomes unhittable. I mean really, he's starting to look like one of the British Bulldogs.
-- Matt Morin, San Francisco, CA

In response to why women hate Jennifer Love Hewitt: First, who told her to be an actress, because someone LIED to her. Obviously her acting skills are not why she is so popular (among men). Did she learn nothing from Pam Anderson? Just pose in Playboy, that is if she hasn't already, and shut your mouth. Who actually watched "VIP" or "Barb Wire" with the mute off? NO ONE!! and no one watched "Heartbreakers" or "I know what you did last summer" for the Oscar award-winning acting or story lines. Put America out of its misery and stop with the pathetic attempts at acting or singing. Second, if I have to see her on the cover of MAXIM/STUFF/FHM one more time talking about her humanitarian efforts to save little pink bunnies. I swear on my 1998 Yankees World Series tape that I will do not so nice things to her. And finally, it should be illegal to be that skinny and have breasts that large, literally a walking, talking, real-life barbie doll. Not that I'm jealous or anything. Seriously. That pretty much sums up why we hate her. Hey Jennifer, "WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND!"
-- Isabella M.

When will we be able to buy a desktop calendar with nothing but Mike Tyson quotes on it? I wonder what they would put on Valentines Day, or even Christmas? Good Times.
-- Zane, Seattle WA

August 2005