posted: Mar. 6, 2006  |  Feedback

Just for the hell of it, a post-Oscars mini-ramblings:

I always thought John Travolta had the creepiest hair in Hollywood ... and then Tom Hanks came along.

Seriously, Heath Ledger looks like he's about three more Brokeback Mountain jokes away from punching someone out.

Twelve months ago, if I were picking washed-up '80s actors to get nominated for a 2006 Best Supporting Actor, my list would have looked like this: (1) Rob Lowe, (2) Eddie Murphy, (3) Matt Dillon, (4) Patrick Swayze, (5) Lou Diamond Phillips, (6) the little brother from "Just One of the Guys."

Was anyone else incredulous that Don Knotts got left out of the People Who Died This Year Montage? I'm not even sure if "incredulous" is a strong enough word. I might even have to go with "outraged." Chris Penn and Vincent Schiavelli make it, and Don Knotts gets shafted?

(And while we're on the subject, shouldn't the People Who Died This Year Montage be turned into its own end-of-the-year TV show? They could do sports, music, movies, politics ... like you wouldn't watch this? It's the only can't-miss segment of any awards show. Plus, where else would I get to appreciate Pat Morita one final time as the Sports Gal sadly says, "Oh, Mr. Miyagi!")

Put it this way: A Dolly Parton-Michael Jackson duet would shatter my HDTV tuner.

Raise your hand if you thought Reese Witherspoon was going to forget to thank Ryan Phillippe.

(Raising hand.)

That reminds me, Phillippe looks like he's in line to be the next victim of the Fisher Stevens Corollary: Any time two struggling entertainers get married, and the female's career ends up taking off, it's only a matter of time before the relationship falls apart because no wanna-be star ever wants to be "The Guy Who's Famous Mainly For Being Married To His Wife." I'd list some other examples but there are too many to count -- Chad Lowe was the latest. Never fails. Dennis Quaid was the only one who managed to hold on for more than five or six years.

But seriously, Jon Stewart did a solid job as host, got off one great joke in the monologue (the Bjork/Cheney joke), nailed the Three 6 Mafia aftermath, did a pretty good job with the fake attack ads ... and I would be amazed if he's ever asked back.

Whenever Jennifer Aniston walks out on stage during an awards show, the director should cut to stock footage of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie laughing it up in the audience. You know, just to mess with us.

Part of me still thinks Jack Nicholson saw "Brokeback Mountain" on the winner card, took a deep breath, said to himself "Screw it, I hated that movie," called an audible and said, "And the Oscar goes to ... Crash!"

By the way, is Nicholson ever NOT the coolest guy in the room? Even when he's coming back from the bathroom at Lakers games, the whole place pretty much stops until he goes back to his seat. If you judge somebody's popularity by the number of people who would yelp, "Oh no!" if they found out Celebrity X died, I think Nicholson wins. He gets the most "Oh no!" yelps. I'm convinced. This is a whole other column.

Hey, did anyone else keep waiting for Philip Seymour Hoffman to accept his Oscar, ask Hilary Swank if he could kiss her on the mouth, then punch himself in the head and keep saying "I'm a (bleeping) idiot!" over and over again?

I think Dustin Hoffman and Tony LaRussa have the same personality coach.

Biggest shockers of the night: (1) Jennifer Garner unveiling her post-baby breasts and immediately tripping on stage (a quick 1-2 punch, or in this case, a 1-2-3 punch), (2) Crash winning for "Best Picture" (sure, it was well-done, well-acted and somewhat affecting, but at any point did you ever think, "Wow, I'm watching the 2005 Oscar winner right now"), (3) Ang Lee having a wife and kids.

My vote for next year's host: Keanu Reeves.

Think about it: Who would make you laugh more over the course of a 210-minute Oscars telecast, Jon Stewart or Keanu Reeves? See, I'm on to something here.

Finally, I'm glad that Felecity Huffman didn't win "Best Actress." Enough is enough with the "actresses going ugly to win an Oscar" trend. Whatever happened to the "actresses pushing the envelope with raw sex scenes" that Halle Berry tried to start? Can we get that one going again? Please!

March 2006