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Sports fans are creatures of habit, and none of us wants to hear that it's silly to slather one's body in paint and show up half naked to a public venue. Or that it's a bad idea to consume mass quantities of encased meat links and any foodstuffs commonly referred to as "doodles." Look, it's what we do. Don't try to fight it.

Yet, slowly and somewhat strangely, our soon-to-be-stented, bare-chested, ballgame-watching brethren have been brainwashed into deserting -- or at least doubting -- traditional statistics. Don't trust your eyes, we're told, and always assume that numbers are lying. You know, like your junior-year girlfriend. Fine, maybe that was only meant for my ears.

But it's a fact that we're facing increased pressure to surrender our wins and batting averages for VORPs and even our stodgy, crew-cutted yards and TDs for newfangled DVOAs. What sort of sick, twisted word-jumble fanatic decided this?