MVP votes for Jeter, Beltran 

October, 1, 2006
In light of Saturday's report of the names that appeared in Jason Grimsley's affidavit, I have raised the nation's Sanctimony Alert level to red. I urge all sports fans to be prepared for sermonizing, bloviating, bemoaning, lecturing, and I-told-you-so-ing. We urge sports fans across America to remain calm. Exercise extreme caution when listening to sports-talk radio, especially while driving. If you receive a newspaper or magazine that you suspect may contain sanctimonious material, please do not attempt to handle it yourself -- contact your local authorities immediately. We recommend that all citizens prepare themselves for the onslaught of nattering negativity by watching as much baseball as possible over the next four weeks.

Moving on to something the average fan might actually care about, here are my award ballots -- strictly hypothetical, since I don't have a vote on any of these awards.

1. Derek Jeter
2. Joe Mauer
3. Johan Santana
4. Carlos Guillen
5. Grady Sizemore
6. Miguel Tejada
7. Jermaine Dye
8. Travis Hafner
9. Justin Morneau
10. Roy Halladay