The Toe Poke Daily is here every day to bring you all the weirdest stories, quirkiest viral content and top trolling that the internet has to offer, all in one place.
With the new season just 57 days away, today is Premier League fixtures day, yes that day when fans can see when their club will play twice against every other club in the league. When everyone has quite finished making the same point about everyone having to play 38 games, it made for some fun comments on social media.
Fixtures, fixtures and more fixtures
It really does matter, doesn't it?
Slightly baffled by the all the ballyhoo about the fixtures announcement. The teams all play each other twice !— Ian Darke (@IanDarke) June 13, 2019
Premier League fixtures summary: Everyone plays everyone. At some point.— Matt Law (@Matt_Law_DT) June 13, 2019
Find the "everyone plays everyone twice" schtick tedious with fixtures. When and where they fall is important for planning when to go, matches after Euro games, whether you see a set of games and see a chance for momentum, etc etc. It's actually important.— Alex Shaw (@AlexShawESPN) June 13, 2019
August is a treat
Gameweek 1— ESPN UK (@ESPNUK) June 13, 2019
Man United vs Chelsea
Man City vs Spurs
Liverpool vs Arsenal pic.twitter.com/vizP61w276
My brain hurts from staring at this analysis
As is traditional, I've used an average of bookmakers' odds to visualise when each Premier League team's tougher and easier fixtures fall: pic.twitter.com/T9JtlU6JtN— Ben Mayhew (@experimental361) June 13, 2019
Earliest crisis for Man United or Chelsea ever?
Man Utd or Chelsea will be in full crisis mode by August 12th. https://t.co/De4FbfVJyJ— Rob Brown (@robbro7) June 13, 2019
A Liverpool conspiracy theory?
How it feels to be in the Premier League again...
Sheffield United's big return to the Premier League begins with a match at a ground that's one-third the size of theirs.— Huw Davies (@thehuwdavies) June 13, 2019
It's 'Crystal Palace'.— Crystal Palace F.C. (@CPFC) June 13, 2019
Welcome to the Premier League. https://t.co/QzaRb4u0nf
Now this is what you call a fixture clash...
Chelsea have a replacement for Hazard
Replacing a player like Eden Hazard is going to be no mean feat for Chelsea, who saw their star man leave for Real Madrid last week in a deal that may end up being worth around £150m.
Thankfully, a contender to take up Hazard's considerable mantle at Stamford Bridge has emerged in the slightly unlikely form of Jonathan Walters.
He may have retired from football several months ago, but the former Stoke City and Burnley striker, 35, has informed the Blues he'd be willing to step in and replace their departed Belgian, citing his formidable record.
Stoke fans will no doubt recall that Walters managed the impressive feat of scoring not one, but two own-goals (as well as missing a penalty) in a 4-0 home defeat against Chelsea back in 2013.
In effect, he's scored two goals for Chelsea without ever playing a single match for them. You simply can't argue with stats like that.
Meanwhile, new-look Hazard kisses the badge
If there were any nerves ahead of his grand Real Madrid unveiling on Thursday, Eden Hazard was certainly not letting them show.
Shown here in his home country of Belgium, Hazard flew his favourite barber out from London to Brussels for an especially tight trim ahead of his big day. And, asked if he's ready to face the crowd, the €100m man simply replies: "I'm ready."
Then at the unveiling, Hazard dazzled the Bernabeu faithful with some of his juggling skills, before kicking balls into the stands to his new adoring supporters.
After that, he gave them what they really wanted as Los Blancos fans screamed for the former Chelsea man to "kiss the badge."
Eden Hazard was officially unveiled as a Real Madrid player on Thursday.— ESPN FC (@ESPNFC) June 13, 2019
The fans LOVED IT when he kissed the club's badge. pic.twitter.com/slEdnTk3nE
That all went to plan, now if he can just start sourcing a new barber in Madrid to help cut down on the cost of airfare.
Miami bar re-thinks shots-per-goal policy
A Miami bar that offered customers "free shots" for every goal scored by the United States at the Women's World Cup has scaled back its offer in the wake of the team's record-breaking 13-0 thrashing of Thailand on June 11.
The American Social Bar & Kitchen used its social media page for the promotion, clearly not expecting the U.S. to rack up the tournament's biggest-ever win in their opening game in Reims, France on Tuesday.
The rampant U.S. team, a traditional powerhouse of women's football, face unfancied Chile on Sunday but thirsty Florida customers should not be expecting another night of multiple free shots and will have to settle for a single drink.
"Our 'free shots' promotion is not meant to be taken literally, especially when records are shattered," a furiously back-pedalling Paul Greenberg, one of the managing partners at American Social, said in an email to Reuters.
"No one expected this, so instead of passing around shots, we have welcomed our patrons back for a round on us during the match against Chile on Sunday."
The price of success
Liverpool players would be forgiven for getting carried away with their Champions League success, but at least they'll be able to stay grounded by looking their new iPhone covers...
The covers are 24K gold plated and looking very nice indeed but one has to feel for that one player (probably James Milner) who went Android instead.
Blue is the colour...
Dutch club Heracles took some time out of their busy social media schedule to offer some help to wantaway Ajax defender Matthijs de Ligt.
The 19-year-old has a choice to make, Barcelona or PSG, but Heracles could emerge as a third contender after this flattery.
'bLuE sUiTs yOU'— AFC Ajax (@AFCAjax) June 13, 2019
Matthijs = ❌❌❌ https://t.co/Oisytrys8g
Worth noting that both Barcelona and PSG play in a variation of blue and, wherever he ends up, the one thing that we are absolutely certain of is that he won't be staying in the Netherlands.
Yesterday we brought you the news that Ligue 1 would be sponsored by Uber Eats. Now we have this...
This Ligue 1-Uber Eats sponsorship deal is the gift that keeps on giving. Reportedly, part of the deal coming in next year is that the match ball will be "delivered" to the pitch - https://t.co/FKNGtbsqey - Via @lequipe.— Jonathan Johnson (@Jon_LeGossip) June 13, 2019
We hope the French league's players show enough hunger for the title and don't let PSG just swallow them whole. And that when they really need to step up, they deliver.
*We're here all week*