ECB and Cricket Australia write heartbreaking letter to BCCI

Ben Stokes celebrates the wicket of Pat Cummins Getty Images

If there are still those who consider England the home of cricket, then India is cricket's Vegas mega-mansion. The glitz has been impossible to miss for years now. They are highrolling like no one's ever highrolled before, carving out vast tracts of real estate on the calendar for the IPL, raising obscene sums from broadcast contracts, and drawing more nations, more players, more companies, and more spineless political shills into orbit.

If the Briefing sounds grumpy about all of this, it has nothing to do with our not being on the Indian cricket gravy train. It's because we have morals*.

We thought we were friends
Dearest BCCI,

We hope you are well. Your president looks dashing on his magazine covers.

We are writing after receiving the new proposal at the ICC, which suggests the BCCI will receive 38.5% of the ICC's net revenue over the next four years. As India is the nation that contributes the most to the media rights' value, it is, of course, only right that the BCCI gain the most from the ICC's profits.

However, we were dismayed to see that we receive a mere 6.89% and 6.25%, which is less than $40 million per year. This is almost as little as Pakistan and not much more than New Zealand.

Forgive us BCCI, but perhaps there is some mistake? Did we not come together as brothers in 2014 to carve out the greatest shares of the ICC's net revenue between the three of us? Did we not together invent the reasoning for this lionising? How could this have possibly turned upon us?

We will of course not go so low as to seriously suggest that the global game is best served by an egalitarian spirit at the ICC, or that it may ultimately be counterproductive for one side to dominate all others at global events. The plan was to dominate them together.


The England and Wales Cricket Board and Cricket Australia

Don't cry because it ended; smile because it happened
"Bro, how great was it when it was just the two of us?

Imperial Cricket Council 4eva *handheart emoji*"

Franchises eye year-round player contracts
It's now become commonplace for cricketers to retire early from internationals to spend time with their franchise families. But indications are that IPL franchises are about to step it up several gears, by signing players on for the majority of the year to play in various leagues owned by the same bosses around the world.

Just to flex, Chennai Super Kings even used England Test captain Ben Stokes as the world's most expensive benchwarmer for most of his two months at the IPL.

Asia Cup drama
As Oscar Wilde once famously said, "Everything in the world is about sex. Except the Asia Cup. The Asia Cup is about scheduling difficulties."

This year's tournament, which almost everyone will agree would be excellent practice for the World Cup, is supposed to be hosted by the Pakistan Cricket Board. And the PCB don't just want to host, they want to HOST it. None of this "take the profits but play the games in the UAE" stuff. They want the Asia Cup to come home, baby. They'll show it the biryani joints of Karachi, the architecture of Lahore, the broad avenues of Islamabad, and hold it safe and tight when the Pindi boys get too close.

But like the aunties who lead rival factions of the family, India and Pakistan are intent on making this get-together uncomfortable for everyone yet again. India, unwilling to travel to Pakistan, have suggested that their matches be played at a neutral venue. The BCCI even went as far as to invite heads of the Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, and ACC boards to the IPL final, while floating Sri Lanka as a potential alternative venue (much to SLC's joy, because obviously the BCCI would never dump its allies the moment it no longer needs them).

Is this any way for the big South Asian boards to behave, though? Should there not be bonhomie based upon mutual joys? Joys such as the naagin dance (Bangladesh vs Sri Lanka), crowd violence (Afghanistan vs Pakistan), the threat of nuclear war (the big boys), and wild gesticulating (Virat Kohli vs Naveen-ul-Haq).

While the scheduling remains uncertain, the likes of Nepal - who deserve a big tournament, having won 13 of their last 14 ODIs - are in limbo.

In 2035 on the Briefing:
- Sri Lanka player selfishly abandons franchise who made him what he is to pursue glory with his national team.

- Star 15-year-old batter in Shropshire believes he can get into his favourite Kanpur Autocrats IPL side if he works hard enough, though any of the other 35 teams would do.

*Our morals are currently available for sale if the BCCI would just return our communications via telephone, email, Instagram, or Onlyfans DM