The lapsed fan's guide to WrestleMania 34

WWE Universe chants 'Yes!' to Bryan's return (1:21)

Daniel Bryan says he isn't sure when his first match back will be, but the WWE Universe clearly has a positive reaction. (1:21)

As a service to fans who have a general interest in the WWE but might not have watched a match since the last WrestleMania, we're happy to provide this FAQ as a guide to WrestleMania 34.

Q. Hey, it's WrestleMania time again, isn't it?

Please refer to it casually as "The Showcase of the Immortals," per Vince McMahon's marketing department.

Q. Didn't they just have a WrestleMania in New Orleans?

WrestleMania XXX was held in 2014. That event featured John Cena in a midcard match, Triple H inexplicably still wrestling and Daniel Bryan as the most popular worker on the card. This WrestleMania is much different, as it features John Cena in a midcard match, Triple H inexplicably still wrestling, Daniel Bryan as the most popular worker on the card -- but also Ronda Rousey.

Q. What has Ronda Rousey been doing since she arrived in WWE?

Pointing at a sign, being fairly mediocre on the mic, but also wearing the heck out of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper's old leather jacket and putting Triple H through a table during a contract signing, which was admittedly awesome. She's teaming up against Triple H and Stephanie McMahon with Kurt Angle, who tattletaled that wrestling's first couple had talked about "owning" Rousey and embarrassing her after she embarrassed them at a WrestleMania 31 confrontation. That this is one of two matches set up by people saying mean things behind one's back is rather depressing. More on that later.

Q. Wait, wasn't The Rock involved in that WrestleMania 31 angle? Why isn't he her partner?

Did we mention "Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle" grossed over $943 million worldwide without the necessity of any appearances on WWE programming? That said, he's got a new movie coming out based on a video game in which a mutated gorilla smashes a city and eats people, so expect him at WrestleMania in some capacity, perhaps a sing-off with (Who Wants To Walk With?) Elias.

Q. I just realized you said Daniel Bryan is wrestling, which can't be right because the doctors said he'd never wrestle again. He's been cleared?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Bryan was cleared by doctors to return to action, which is fantastic. He's involved in a somewhat complicated angle that's grown out of Kevin Owens' feud with Shane McMahon on SmackDown. They had a brutal cage match at WWE Hell in a Cell, where McMahon leapt off the top of the cage and missed Owens when Sami Zayn, his enemy turned friend again, pulled Owens to safety. Bryan sided with the two during their contentious battle with McMahon, the SmackDown commissioner. At one point, McMahon booked a match between Owens and Zayn at WrestleMania, and they responded by beating him up. So Bryan fired them, then they beat him up too, and now we have Owens and Zayn vs. Bryan and McMahon, provided McMahon is healed up from his sudden bout of acute diverticulitis and an umbilical hernia, both of which sound like something that would prevent a 48-year-old millionaire from jumping off something really high for the edification of spot-thirsty fans, but what do we know?

Q. Will the Undertaker be there?

He's not officially announced, but John Cena has been attempting to goad him into a match by calling him a coward, borrowing his wrestling moves and running old photos of his previous gimmicks on his Instagram, which is harsh. But it's not like the WWE to reference the Undertaker and then disappoint everyone when he doesn't make an appearance, unless you count the three dozen or so other times they've done that, most recently with Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown.

Q. Oh, mysteries are fun! Any other undetermined matches?

Totally. Braun Strowman, the "Monster Among Men" whom you may remember from such hits as Guy Flips Over An Ambulance and Guy Flips Over A Semi-Truck and Guy Flips Over Raw Commentary Set won a Raw Tag Team Battle Royal which put him in a match against champions Cesaro & Sheamus. Except he doesn't have a partner. So speculation is that it could be someone large (The Big Show!) or small (pretty much every other option!) or that Strowman could attempt to win the tag-team titles as an individual. Get these hands!

Q. What about the Smackdown tag belts?

The Uso brothers have them, and face the human embodiment of joy The New Day and The Bludgeon Brothers, who are former Wyatt Family members Harper and Rowan. The Usos and The New Day topped our 2017 tag-team rankings thanks to an outstanding series of matches against each other. Also, the Bludgeon Brothers are in this match.

Q. A three-way for the tag belts. Are there other multiwrestler gimmick matches on the card?

Don't you know it. The Miz, who is trying to have "the longest cumulative run as Intercontinental Champion of all time" according to WWE, puts the belt on the line against Seth Rollins and Finn Balor, who best show up painted like a dang demon, or we riot. While we respect the work of his opponents, The Miz is a national treasure who just became a father and we want only good things for this glorious heel.

But hey, what if three isn't enough: How about four? The United States championship is on the line as Randy Orton defends against former Demographic Chasing champion Jinder Mahal, Bobby Roode's entrance theme and Rusev, who is the kind of fan-driven sensation that the WWE usually doesn't reward until a year after his heat is gone. Oh, and today is Rusev Day. Happy Rusev Day everyone.

Q. OK, but what if four isn't enough? Please tell me there's a battle royal on the card.

There isn't a battle royal -- there are BATTLE ROYALS! Or battles royal! We're honestly not sure of the plurality. The Andre The Giant Memorial battle royal will be held for the fifth year. Please recall that Mojo Rawley won the event last year with the help of New England Patriot and obvious future wrestler Rob Gronkowski. He's back in the event with eight others, including "Woken" Matt Hardy. (We realize this FAQ is meant to catch up everyone on the card and how we got here, but we'll just assume you have at least a tangential knowledge of what's happened with Matt Hardy in the past few years, lest we spend the next 1,000 words explaining sentient drones, Senõr Benjamin and The Lake of Reincarnation.)

Meanwhile, there's the first-ever Women's Battle Royal, which used to be known as the Fabulous Moolah Battle Royal until fans revolted against the WWE honoring a problematic former champion. So it's just the Women's Battle Royal, because doing the right thing and naming it after Chyna would have been too easy. Anyway, it gives Sasha Banks something to do at WrestleMania.

Q. What are the other women's matches?

Alexa Bliss (she might be 5 feet tall) defends the Raw Women's Champion against Nia Jax (billed at 6 feet and over 240 pounds). While the WWE's women's division is arguably the best it's ever been, the storytelling can still offer up "Mean Girls" nonsense like "Alexa Bliss says mean things about her friend Nia Jax behind her back and it gets caught on camera," which is how we ended up here.

The good news is that the other women's match could be the show-stealer: Asuka, who won the first Women's Royal Rumble, chose Charlotte Flair as her opponent. So you have an undefeated challenger against a long-tenured champion and icon of the women's division. Even if you sort of know where this might be headed, getting there is the fun. Heck, Asuka's entrance might be the WrestleMania Moment™ of the night.

Q. OK, now we're getting into the prime cuts of WrestleMania. How good is AJ Styles versus Shinsuke Nakamura going to be?

It won't be Wrestle Kingdom 10 good, but it will be amazing and worthy of the two-year build back to this rematch, which should start a series of bouts between the two. Nakamura, who won the Royal Rumble to set up this match, has been captivating as an entertainer but hasn't reached the heights as a wrestler that he did in Japan. So a reunion with WWE champion and arguably the organization's best worker AJ Styles will, hopefully, bring back the total package. For, like, Nakamura. We're not expecting a Lex Luger run-in.

Q. Finally, how sad will I be when Roman Reigns wins the Universal Title from Brock Lesnar?

Look, you shouldn't be. Assuming Reigns wins -- and what awful booking would it be to build up Brock as an egotistical part-time champion who takes the fans for granted and then have him leave Mania with the belt? -- the Roman lovers and Roman haters should get something out of this match.

The former will likely see a beatdown reminiscent of the one Lesnar gave Reigns in their no-decision a few years ago. Which means he could be a bloody pulp by the time he makes the latter squeal with a title win. Reigns actually had one of this best moments in the WWE during the buildup to this match, cutting a promo on how Lesnar is a corporately supported champion who often seems like he's above all this 'rasslin stuff. No doubt he practiced it in front of a mirror.

Q. Wait, I think we skipped the cruiserweight champ...

No one cares about the cruiserweight division. Enjoy the show! (OK, don't @ me. If you do care, go here.)

Greg Wyshynski is Senior NHL writer for ESPN and thinks this card needs 100 percent more Dalton Castle.